Today, I woke up and felt like I could do it. I could write the first email. I think many of you, our friends, might know that my sweet Mother, Diane Hoffman, passed away on April 23rd. Up until the day she got sick where I had to take her to the hospital, she stayed with me at my house. I will always treasure those days. My focus went from running a doll business to taking care of my Mom, and I loved it. I carefully planned our meals, and I felt more satisfaction in the work I was doing than I did on my best day doing doll things.
Six months ago, I bought the house next door to my parents. I made the offer before I saw the inside. It will always be one of the best decisions I ever made. And for six good months, I got to spend days with my Mom. Both of my parents contracted coronavirus. My Mom was staying with me because my Dad was in the hospital. I am so grateful to tell you that, health-wise, my Dad is back to his usual, hard-working self after a very long recovery.
But our hearts are not usual. Losing Mom, for myself, and for my Dad especially, has been the most profound heartbreak of our lives. I have never lost a parent, so I didn't know how it was going to go, although I took multiple calls a day from doctors for the two weeks she was in the hospital, it was incredibly sudden. My parents had been happily married for 52 years.
Rachel and Diane in Nashville, 2019
On Monday, after she died, I came to the doll shop. I walked slowly into each room and took it all in like it was the first time seeing it. I had been President of our company for almost four years, and yet, it felt entirely different being there without my Mom on this Earth.
There were days when I had to stop and sit on the grass out front and cry. There were days I opened up your cards and smiled as I read your words about how my Mom loved you and the Doll World. There have been days of absolutely everything.
The doll shop is the home office of the Virtual Doll Convention. When I am inside the doll shop's walls, I remember that my Mom had some of her best days here. These beautiful pink marbled walls represent everything she loved. And on most days, it was the place we could always find her. I realized it is the same for me, too.
Indeed, my Mom left me her shop, but more than that, she left me so many of her happiest and best days. And that brings me comfort.
So what now? I am taking it one step at a time. Sometimes those steps are doll-sized, but what matters is that I am taking steps. I am renovating the shop with some much-needed repairs and upgrades. My Mom loved her shop, but she always first bought dolls instead of boring stuff like roofs and new plumbing. It's OK; I get where she was coming from. I agree that dolls are so much more fun than all that grown-up stuff, so I am taking care of it for her.
I am reopening with a grand 'Christmas Revisited' display in November of this year, as a memorial event to my Mother, and marking the 'passing of the guards' in the new era of our family company. It will be an event to remember, with all of the proceeds benefiting children's charities. My Mom was the one who taught me first how to throw a great party. The Virtual Doll Convention will take place in January 2021 with exciting adventures and events in-between.
But mostly, I am gentle with myself. So much has changed, and some things will never be the same. A lot of things are happening at once in my little corner of the world.
I remind myself that I do not have to perform to be worthy of love and to just be me. I am worthy of restful moments, even here in the wild of change.
New beginnings come together slowly. A year from now, I won't remember everything I put on my checklist. But I will remember that even though I had moments of restlessness and worry, that I also had the courage, strength, and love to make it another year.
My Mother, Diane Hoffman, is known for her accomplishments. But more than that, she is known for how she loved. My Mom taught me that how and when you choose to love is reflected in the life you live and the work you do. I know that it is my turn to carry the light to bring us forward.
Not a moment goes by that I don't wear her on my heart. I know that things will not always be easy but that even the longest, hardest endings lead to new beginnings.
I know that somehow, through all the weaving of new beginnings and endings, I will continue to grow the way I was meant to.
And to you, sweet friend. Even in the hard, I see you blooming the way you were meant to. I hope we all continue to heal on this journey of all of our difficult endings and new beginnings. It takes courage to be here and participate, I will never take your hearts for granted.
Thank you for being a part of our story, yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
In Love and Dolls,
Rachel
